good riddance, 2024

Good riddance, 2024. 

In most ways I’m running from this year screaming, ready for it to end. But another part of me is frozen, not wanting to step into the new year. Unwilling to leave my little boy behind. Time keeps moving and I hate that, especially because it’s stopped for me. 

This was the most excruciatingly painful year of my life. My heart felt the deepest sorrow a mother could feel; a pain I genuinely didn’t know could exist. “I can’t even imagine,” everyone says. And that’s true. I don't think it’s possible to actually conceptualize what losing a child feels like – and why would you want to? Who would want to picture that kind of agony? 

This time last year, we were so blissfully unaware. We were just about to announce our second baby on the way and we didn’t think life could get much better. We had no New Year’s Eve plans and didn’t want them. We were perfectly happy to be spending a cozy night at home. The most excitement we saw that night was the pure joy glimmering in Hudson’s eyes as we counted down to the new year. Three..two..one…HAAAAPPY NEW YEAR we shouted! Hudson shrieked with excitement as he danced his own little Hudson jig. Unbeknownst to him, it was only 7 o’clock. The ‘Kids Countdown’ had fooled him and he was off to bed. I followed shortly behind. As the clock struck midnight we were happily sleeping, unaware of how our lives would shatter just 7 days later. 

In 2024 I wrote my son’s obituary. I planned his funeral and somehow managed to stand there, trembling as I eulogized the most important person in my life. 

In 2024 my eyes saw what my mind can never forget. The trauma of January 8th is burrowed deep in my soul and I’m not sure I’ll ever make peace with it. 

But, 2024 also brought immense joy as we welcomed our light, Charlie Hudson, the beautiful boy who keeps my heart beating. I love him even more fiercely because I know how precious and fleeting life is. I know what I stand to lose in an instant. Our Charlie keeps us smiling and his giggles give us life. I hate that this beautiful addition to our family arrived when we were so deeply hurting. But his love is an antidote. It can’t quite soothe the pain, but softens it and reminds us life is still worth living.

I’m learning to mother in two worlds now, both spiritually and in the present. I try to honor my grief and unending love for Hudson, while also letting Charlie know I carry the same deep love for him. It’s not easy and I’m not really that good at it. But as time reminds me, I have a new year of practice ahead. 

So 2024, I hate you. I really do. But I also thank you for bringing me love again. 2025, please, please be gentle on me.